Five go ski-biking (the diary of a closet racer) by Steve Rudman December 2002

Thursday
3:30 am is no time to get up to go on holiday, no matter how exciting the prospect of throwing yourself down a mountain on the skiing equivalent of a Raleigh Chimera might be (that’s a racing bike for the uneducated).

For a while, the journey to Stanstead Airport looked like it would go unfinished. 115 mph round the M25 in a Skoda is guaranteed to exercise the same white knuckles that would be so prevalent in the coming four days. Still, we got there and despite us losing a member of our party to romance (don’t ask) there we were, the famous five – Brendan, Steve, Paul, Glyn, and Simon. Ready, willing and knackered before we’d started.


Paul Gets some Air	Nice view on right.

After an uneventful flight with Buzz to Grenoble (only £27 each way) we bundled ourselves into two hire cars and set out for Tignes – or, as we found out when we got there, several Tignes, we were actually heading for Tignes-Le-Lac. Our hotel was called L’Aiguille Percee, which was functional, good value for money and had the hottest twins you are likely to find in the whole of Europe, Rebecca and Vanessa. It was as much as we could do to get Paul out onto the slopes and even then his tongue kept getting stuck in the snow.

Friday
Now then, to business – let me at those mountains. The weather was glorious, the sun was out and the slopes glistened invitingly – as it turned out, with a sort of smug grin that said “Come on then, you stupid anglais”. And indeed stupid I was … to think that ski-biking is as easy as, well bike riding, is to underestimate how painful a rather ungainly fall on the nursery slopes can be.

We had already met Richard from www.skibike.net , our instructor and two of his sons, Ali and Nick, and very nice and patient chaps they are too. They also hired us the bikes which HAVE NO BRAKES. There lies the rub – how do you stop the damn things ? Two hours of instruction, sorry, falling over like a pratt, actually turned out to be worth it in the end because by the afternoon we were up the mountain on the top of the world. It’s the first time I’d ever been skiing of any description and the views just take your breath away.

What also takes your breath away is the realisation that you now have to ski-bike to the bottom. But with a couple more hours of tuition, I finally began to get the hang of it. The beauty of ski-biking is that by the end of the first day you can be haring down a slope having great fun and because you’re sat on the bike, if you fall off it’s less uncomfortable than skiing or snowboarding - you’re already nearer the ground!


The beginning. Simon, Glyn & Steve under the Watchful eye of Richard Platt	24 Hours later Simon heads down the Fall Line

Saturday
Richard and the boys left us to our own devices and having prised Paul from between the ample charms of the twins we once more embarked on our quest. I found that it takes a few tentative turns before you get the rhythm of riding the bike back but then …. whoosh !! Brendan is a good friend of mine, so I took it as a compliment when he called me a “Confident ****” and this only 24 hours after getting on the bike for the first time. Now that is value for money.

Simon and I were the obvious novices of the riding art, but both of us gained in confidence quickly. So much so that at times, the speed at which the bikes can go and their innate ability to bite you on the bum the moment you lose concentration, brought us both crashing to earth in more ways than one. Simon’s gleeful cry of “come on Steve, let’s give it large” about two seconds before he lost control, fell in a heap and slid starfish like for twenty yards down the slope was testament to one lapse in concentration and that’s all folks. Great fun though.

Sunday
Arise the professionals, with rather sore heads following an eventful drinking excursion the previous evening ending with Brendan and Paul shacking up in our room. Paul also tried to use Glyn as a late substitute for his object of fantasy by climbing over him clutching the spare mattress and shouting “Vanessa, je t’aime”.


The Twins. Vanessa & Rebecca	Steve at speed on day 2

Unfortunately the weather had closed in and it never really stopped snowing for the rest of our stay. I would recommend you get the right gear, falling over and then the wind cutting across you whilst you‘re in the ski-lifts can be refreshingly chilly but the investment I made in salopettes and a good jacket was well worth it. I wasn’t really cold at all.

The new weather conditions meant back to basics, at least for Simon and I. Biking after heavy snow and in what’s called “flat light” was a new experience but a valuable one. You cannot quite make out the bumps and the hollows and controlling the bike is much more difficult but good practice in refining your technique. You have to bring the speed down a little, but I suppose it’s the equivalent of downhill racing versus slalom. You will need to learn skills in both. …. and importantly, as you should now be much more competent and therefore more brazen, you need to learn emergency stops.

Tignes is a lovely place. We were there the second week in December, before the season had really got going but the more experienced skiers amongst us reckoned the snow was perfect and the variety of slope on the mountains was good for a four/five day visit. There were also many places to eat with one or two restaurants at either the top, or half way down the mountain. Eating burger and chips outside whilst the plate filled up with snow was a strange experience.

Monday
Last day and Richard and the boys returned for the afternoon session. The weather was still foul and strangely the slopes were busier than at any time, probably the new snow was the attraction, but there was still plenty of room for all on the piste.

Copious amounts of lager were having a rather unsavoury but beneficial effect on Brendan. His loud anal utterings were unfortunate, but did allow him to propel himself across the snow between ski-lifts with amazing speed and very little effort


Left to Right. Glyn Humpheys, Steve Rudman, Richard Platt, Paul Burns, Simon Roper, Brendan West and Al Platt	Tignes View. Real life looked much better than this photo

It was now time for the serious stuff and Richard, Nick and Tim …. or was it Tim and Nick ? (another set of twins but I can assure you not as attractive as V and R) were to put us through our paces in earning our bronze award – turns, emergency stops, side slipping and all with style. You’ll have to prove you can use all the different types of ski-lift as well by the way. The weather was atrocious but we still managed to con Richard into thinking we actually knew what we were doing. I think he was impressed …. once he’d stopped laughing.

Nick decided that part of the learning process was for us to understand how many different ways catastrophe can strike, from being burnt to a crisp in a railway tunnel to being run over by the train itself. Thanks for that then.

That evening après ski, the bronze was graciously awarded and gratefully received. A good time had been had by all and I’m not even referring to the twins and we retired to bed content in the knowledge that in fours hours we had to be up again to come home. Thanks to Al, Nick, Tim and Richard at www.skibike.net for their hospitality, patience and training.

Five DO’S when ski-biking…..
1. DO get the right clothing and kit – waterproofs, goggles and decent gloves are a must.
2. DO go through the tuition, it takes a while to get used to the bikes but the investment means you get much more fun out of them in a shorter period of time.
3. DO make the effort to look your best. I have never had so many people come over to me and say – “Wow, what a great bike”, “how does it work ?” , “is it fun?” , “Did you hire them” etc. etc. I loved the attention, marvellous !!!
4. DO take on plenty of fluid. The higher altitude makes you dehydrated – like peeing orange squash type of dehydrated…. although I don’t think the lager helped.
5. DO relax and have a great time. Shifting down those slopes at speed is … now how did Simon put it? … “A riot !!”

Five DON’Ts when ski-biking …..
1. DON’T worry about falling off, once to get to grips with the bike it’s only your enthusiasm that will get the better of you, the bikes are amazingly stable.
2. DON’T try too hard too soon and DON’T give up. It really is like riding a bike, after a while it just clicks and away you go.
3. DON’T worry about who is behind you. The etiquette on the slopes is you look out for the people in front, the people behind are obliged to look out for you.
4. DON’T drive home at 5 am with Simon with his taste in music.
5. DON’T get lost in Grenoble on the way back to the airport. It’s a minefield.

Glyn back on his board gets some air

More information.
www.tignes.net